The Pentagon Papers. WikiLeaks. The Dead Sea Scrolls. The Rosetta Stone. The Magna Carta.
And now:
It's Lit: a guide to what teens think is cool.
Yeah, so, someone at Google put a report together, about what teens think is cool. We just found it today. The report's dated March 2017. And it looks like a Macy's catalog that got lost in 2004:
How is it? Well, you can glean more "insight" about young people from your drunk spinster aunt popping it to "Bad and Boujee" at cousin Abe's bar mitzvah, but that doesn't mean it's not worth a read.
Just, seriously...just look:
Because you're smart, you know that all of this is laughably reductive and demonstrably untrue, but when you're trying to sell snake oil-selling insights on the other snake oil salespeople, none of that matters. You just knowthat somewhere, some consultant paid to show up to marketing conferences and lecture people about how to make money off millennials just had a minor neurological event, and feels as if they're opened the ark of the covenant.
And the best part? The graphs.
Dear god, the graphs:
According to a report by Google, one of the most highly valued companies in the world, members of Generation Z think
-Chick-fil-A
is "cooler," as a brand, than:
- Supreme
- VICE
- Tesla
- H&M
- Uniqlo
- Vans
- Converse
- Under Armour
- Zara
and
- Beats By Dre.
...to name a few.
And look, far be it from us here at Mashable Dot Com to be the Generation Z whisperers or whatever, who can dictate to you what's cool, and what isn't, but what we cantell you is that whatever marketer's figurative ass this was pulled from needs a literal proctological exam, inasmuch as one can be administered. Does the Wokest Generation really think Hateful Chicken Incorporated is really cooler than Beats By Dre?
If so, anyone not in Generation Z has the answer to their quarter and/or midlife crisis and Trump's America. But again, doubtful. The data from this report was apparently culled from the responses of 1,100 teens aged 13 to 17 when asked to rank 122 brands by coolness. Nowhere in the report, it's worth noting, is it indicated that these teens were high on glue as they ranked them, either, so either the teens intentionally skewed the answers, or Google culled their respondents from the Kidz Bop: Facism Anthemz casting call, or they just used an incredibly small and wildly disproportionate/skewed/useless polling group to get their results, and printed them.
For those of you not in the cottage industry that revolves around selling this intelligence-insulting marketing sausage, or those of you not gullible enough to gobble up any "Young People Think This" futurists' trends reports sight unseen, you will get a laughout of this.
As for Google: Why? What was the purpose of doing this? Did anyone actually look at the graphed results? Is god dead? Is Google dad?
We have...so many questions. For now, please, just: Enjoy.
TopicsGoogle
(责任编辑：時尚)
5 people Tim Cook calls for advice on running the biggest company in the world'Game of Thrones': Sam Tarly is going to cure greyscaleBran Stark may have just revealed the ThreeJohn Boyega hits out at lack of diversity in 'Game of Thrones'Carlos Beltran made a very interesting hair choiceDramatic photo captures nun texting friends after Italy earthquake
The image of an injured, bloodied nun, calmly texting friends and family in the wake of the deadly e
...[详细]John Boyega hits out at lack of diversity in 'Game of Thrones'
John Boyega has become the latest actor to criticise 。 Game of Thrones 。for its lack of diversity. 。The
...[详细]Why is everybody so worked up about Donald Trump's Twitter account?
A ridiculous trend I’ve noticed among the public recently is how worked up everybody is over D
...[详细]Politician believes he's a 'Game of Thrones' character and we're here for it
Unless you were hiding in an underground cave, you might have heard that everyone's favourite TV sho
...[详细]J.K. Rowling makes 'Harry Potter' joke about Olympics event
LONDON -- For anyone who isn't familiar with the Olympics omnium events in the velodrome, the points
...[详细]Woman requests time off for mental health, boss sends the perfect reply
The world can be such a grim place sometimes that it's great when a story comes along that's just --
...[详细]Alexa Voice Shopping offers Prime Day power over exclusive deals
Are you ready for Amazon's Prime Day sales extravaganza? If you're not, you should probably ask Alex
...[详细]Pantyhose seller advertises his goods by bouncing his son up and down in one
How could you not buy your next set of pantyhose from this guy, with this sort of marketing?A pantyh
...[详细]Mom discovers security cameras hacked, kids' bedroom livestreamed
A mother in Houston, Texas woke up one morning to pretty much every parent's worst-case scenario. 。 "
...[详细]United accidentally puts rapper and his dog on separate flights
2017 has been
。 ruff
。 for United Airlines and things don't seem to be improving.
。The latest in a stri
...[详细]J.K. Rowling makes 'Harry Potter' joke about Olympics event
Turtles need to migrate across the airport and don't care if they delay flights at JFK