Whenever Abbie and Sam have sex, it’s a scheduled session. "When we were younger, unmarried, and without any children, we liked spontaneous sex. But now we have a kid, opportunities for intimacy are sparser. I like to make sure our sex is going to be great, not just good," Abbie, 32, tells Mashable. "I don’t want half-assed quickies in the bathroom, I need good, attentive sex I can think about until the next time."
For the two of them, that great, earth-shattering sex looks like dropping the kids with the in-laws for the day, going out to an art gallery or a museum, heading out for dinner "where a lot of cocktails are drank" and heading home for hours of sexual play "usually on the sofa."
"It’s not that we need alcohol to have sex," says Sam, 34. "We just love having a few drinks together and then having sex. When you don’t get a lot of free time to drink or have sex and you miss doing both, you end up getting them done at once — killing two birds with one stone."
Casual sex and binge drinking culture are intertwined in a lot of cultures, especially in the United Kingdom. Research from dating app Temptrtells us that two thirds of British people have never had sex for the first time with a new partner without first drinking alcohol. But normalising drunk sex can come with some serious problems, particularly when it comes to respecting sexual boundaries and giving and receiving consent. Worryingly, 24 per cent of people said in the same research, that they had slept with dates while drunk and later came to regret it.
Sexologist Madalaine Munrosays the lack of people having sex while sober in the UK "reflects on a society which uses alcohol as a social lubricant, and has wholly inadequate in sex education. We do not have healthy models of sober sex and intimacy and are not taught how to have sober sex and therefore people don’t know where to start with it."
This is true for 21-year-old history student Stephen, who tells Mashable that he’s never had sex sober. "I haven’t had sex with a huge amount of people or anything, but I’ve never done it sober. I don’t think I ever could," he says. As the research highlights, Stephen says the only time he’s ever been confident enough to consider asking someone to have sex with him is when he’s drunk. "It’s not about liking the feeling of drunk sex or anything like that. If anything, I wish I could have sex sober because it’s probably better. If I was in a relationship, maybe sober sex would be more likely. But I only tend to have sex with people I don’t know who I get chatting to in bars, and I don’t even turn up to a bar sober," he adds.
Alcohol is deeply woven in the fabric of British culture, with the UK consistently ranking among the highest countries in Europe for binge drinking. That's why it’s so easy for many of us to have a lot of drunk sex, or date while drunk, without thinking twice about it. British student culture and drinking culture are also deeply intertwined. Many British freshers are encouraged to drink heavily, particularly in the first few weeks of term. Couple that with the fact that many students are away from home for the first time and enjoying their first forays into casual sex and one-night-stands, and you've got a recipe for a lot of drunk sex. A 2021 report by the UK Healthy Universities Network found that 65 percent of sexually active students reported having had sex under the influence of alcohol. Many women on university campuses also fall victim to 'sharking' — a practice whereby older, usually male students use their experience and power to pursue first-year females (often for sex) relentlessly, until they give in. Often, sharking is attempted while women are drunk, as their inhibitions are lowered.
There are signs of change in the realm of dating, with more people exploring sober dating along with the rise of sober curiosity during the pandemic. Research by Hinge found that half of UK daters say that going to get drinks is no longer their preferred first date activity. And half of UK Hinge daters say it would be a dealbreaker if a date drank too much on a first date. According to eharmony's 2022 Happiness Index, 94 percent of singles said they'd be interested in dating someone who doesn't drink at all.
Technically, drunk sex is non-consensual sex, which makes it not really ‘sex’ at all. In the UK, the Sexual Offences Act (2003) in England and Wales states that consent exists if a person agrees by choice to engage in sexual activity and has the "freedom and capacity to make that choice."
But in the United States, the law is a little blurrier and varies from state to state. Generally, incapacitated sex is not consensual in the U.S. but where the line between intoxication and clear incapacitation lies, is debated is widely debated. In a consent resource from Dartmouth College,signs of intoxication are listed as slurred words, stumbling, or exaggerated emotions. The university defines incapacitation as incoherent speech, confusion about basic facts like the day of the week, and passing out.
Sexual health non-profit Planned Parenthood, however, says sexual consent is defined as:
Reversible — you can change your mind at any time during the encounter.
Specific — consenting to kissing does not automatically mean you consent to going any further.
Informed — if you consent to sex with a condom, but then your partner doesn't use one, that is not consent.
Enthusiastic — you are excited and actively want to participate in what is about to happen.
Freely given — you're not pressured or making a choice under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Ultimately, individuals will have their own versions of what ‘intoxicated’ and ‘incapacitated’ means, which is what makes drunk sex so complex. Whether drunk sex can ever be ethical is a nuanced topic which depends on how we are defining "ethical," "drunk," and "sex" and, confusingly, those definitions are going to be different for separate individuals. As the sex positive movement has continued to boom into the mainstream over the last few years, and conversations about sex are hitting our screens, shelves, and ironically our pub chatter with mates, what’s okay and not okay in the bedroom is becoming clearer. For a lot of sex educators, drunk sex would usually fall into the ‘not okay’ category.
The thing is, alcohol lowers our inhibitions, which in turn can mean we struggle to prioritise our usual safer sex practices — such as using barrier contraception methods or disclosing STI results with a prospective partner. And if we’re reallydrunk, we’re prone to blackouts and might not remember having the sex we’ve "agreed to" while under the influence. This unfortunately happens a lot. A report into risky drinkingconducted by Liverpool John Moores University found that one in five female teenagers who go out to drink weekly (which is standard for young people) say they have had sex that they regret while drunk.
Clearly, drunk sex is a problem for many people, endangering a lot of young women. But is it realistic to expect everyone to do it sober, when so many of us only shag after a few bevs? Munro believes drunk sex can be ethical, with proper planning and communication ahead of time. "For drunk sex to be consensually ethical, consent, boundaries and agreements would need to be set up ahead of time, prior to the consumption of alcohol," she explains. "This would look like all parties involved in the sex having a discussion around what your boundaries are while you are sober, for when you have alcohol."
She explains that, for this to be ethical and consensual, the boundaries would need to be hard, meaning that they cannot be changed or increased once they have been set. For example, if you have agreed to kissing when you are sober, then become drunk and decide you would like genital stimulation, this would not be able to happen. "Not until you are sober again and decide to change the boundaries," she confirms.
This is what sexual health organisation Brook has referred to as a "drunk sex game plan" — something Abbie and Sam are very familiar with. "Because we know we love to have sex after a few drinks, we have a lot of sober discussions catching each other up on what we like and don’t like," says Abbie. "We also don’t spontaneously try something new in bed while we’re drunk."
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The NHS sexual health service SH:24 says: "It's important to discuss how sex changes for you when you're under the influence. Having a conversation with your partner about drunk sex, priorto any alcohol consumption can make all the difference." They say that being "too intoxicated to say no" is notconsent. Regardless of the substance consumed, consent must always be established before sex. If you know your partner has been drinking, and you haven't discussed consent when drunk previously, then it's best to hold off from sex until you can have that all-important discussion.
For couples like Abbie and Sam, drunk sex game plans seem like "an obvious step" but for some, this clearly isn’t the case. Worryingly, analysis of consent workshops from the University of Bristol foundthat men were less likely than women to understand that alcohol impairs sexual judgement. Elsewhere, more research studies have foundthat sexual assaults were more likely to occur in settings where alcohol was consumed. While it’s a controversial discussion, because it allows perpetrators of sexual violence to lean on alcohol as an potential excuse, some researchshows excessive alcohol consumption "increases the possibility of sexual assault" as excessive Ethanol ingestion "negatively influences brain structures responsible for violence."
This — along with thesurges in spikingand sexual violence in general — is why some women fear for their sexual safety while drunk. 24-year-old artist Emma tells Mashable, "I never have sex while drunk and I’ve never had sex with anyone who I know has had a drink, even my boyfriend who I’ve been with for years." She continues, saying: "I couldn’t live with myself if I accidentally crossed someone’s boundaries, or let my own boundaries slip, while either of us were drunk. I also worry about horrible people targeting me specifically because I’m drunk. I know sometimes guys will buy you drinks so you let your guard down. It can actually be really difficult though, because I’ve met a lot of people who really don’t want to have sex sober."
Ultimately, sex will always be safer if you have it sober.
Munro believes so many people struggle to refrain from drunk sex because sober sex requires us to be vulnerable in a way most of us have discomfort with, particularly in the UK where we grow up ill-prepared for important sexual communication. "Sober sex means saying what we want and need and taking responsibility for our choices and this can be feel confronting," she explains. "Alcohol creates a false sense of safety by inhibiting the neurotransmitters in our brain so connecting with others can feel easier. But when we can create safety through authentic connection, honesty and vulnerability then relationships and sex can be more fulfilling."
Ultimately, sex will always be safer if you have it sober. If, like Sam and Abbie, you enjoy a few drinks before sex, make sure you get yourselves a nice drunk sex game plan so everyone’s having a good time, all the time. And if you’re someone who loves getting obliterated with your mates at the weekend, remember that when you’re walking home carrying your heels and searching for the nearest kebab house, this isn’t the time to start spontaneous sex with someone who hasn’t discussed your boundaries. Go home, sleep it off, and have sex with someone you can have a conversation with instead.
If anyone ever turns their nose up at your alcohol and sex boundaries, they don’t deserve to be in your bed or your body.
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