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Love is a battlefield, so it's important to choose your weapon carefully. This is especially the case in Boyfriend Dungeon, a new dungeon crawler/dating sim in which you date swords that transform into humans. Because why not?

The unique indie game's cast of dateable bae-blades is relatively diverse, giving players a variety of romanceable options to suit different inclinations. Boyfriend Dungeoneven allows for more platonic relationships, if none of the available weapons whet your stone.

However, while the game does give you the luxury of choice, not all blades are equal, and some dueling partners are better left in their sheaths. In ascending order, here's our ranking of Boyfriend Dungeon's potential paramours.

Beware: There will be spoilers.

7. Sunder

Having abs is not a personality.Credit: Kitfox Games

This guy is the worst. Polyamory is only polyamory if everyone knows about it; otherwise it's just cheating. Yes, I was also seeing other swords, but at the same time I didn't deliberately hide it and lie about it. When Sunder was caught, he was primarily just sorry I found out.

Sunder is a secretive, emotionally unavailable fuckboi who clearly only wanted me for my body. The dude has absolutely nothing going for him aside from being physically fit — he isn't even good at his job, which isn't the mark of a good (or bad) person, but it would at least be something. He's a pile of trash that you keep digging into thinking you'll unearth some secret treasure, only to find that the deeper layers are just even more trash. 0/10, dump him.

6. Sawyer

Congratulations, you've just adopted a child.Credit: Kitfox Games

Don't get me wrong, Sawyer is a nice enough person and seems to mean well. But for the purposes of romance? No. Definitely not. They're a broke college student who uses you to cheat on exams and can't even figure out how to boil an egg. Nothing about that is appealing.

Like fine, I know that everyone has gaps in their education somewhere. But if you lack the initiative to google, the awareness to know that you did not invent cooking, and the common sense to refrain from spiking someone's food with cough syrup, then I'm sorry, but we can't hang. Sawyer is a walking disaster and not in a cute way — not at all a partner you could rely on. They're basically a child. I do not want to date a child.

5. Rowan

I cannot live in Rowan's parallel reality.Credit: Kitfox Games

Rowan and I don't have many intersecting interests, which makes a romance a bit more difficult. For example, while I am terminally online, Rowan has all the tech savvy of a 87-year-old retiree whose greatest passion is antiquing. They also refer to their phone as a "black prism," which is irritatingly pretentious enough to offset any goodwill they garnered by not being straight-up garbage.

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This reclusive mystic lives life according to their own rhythm, which is fair enough, but it does make it difficult to vibe with them. Spending time with Rowan feels confusing and off-putting, like neither of you are ever really connecting or understanding each other. They're living in a completely different world, while I want my partner here with me.

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4. Pocket

It's a cat.Credit: Kitfox Games

It's difficult to rate Pocket against Boyfriend Dungeon's other weapons, because he is a cat and thus cannot be measured by typical relationship evaluation metrics. As a companion, Pocket is serviceable. He isn't an overly affectionate feline, shunning attempts to pet him until he gets to know you better. But he does have a natural advantage in that he is a warm, soft fluffball by design.

Pocket isn't the most scintillating conversational partner. It often feels like you're left to guess what he wants from you, even though his confronting level of cognitive awareness skirts the realm of the uncanny valley. This cat provides all the pressure of a social interaction with a fraction of the reward, which isn't a great trade-off. It's nice having Pocket around, but he can't really compare to a human.

3. Valeria

Fun and exciting, but probably not a long-term relationship.Credit: Kitfox Games

Valeria is an adventure in human (and dagger) form. A rebellious artist, she's the cool girl at school who everyone wants to hang out with on weekends. Not the popular one who has Homecoming Queen in the bag, or the delinquent who skips class and smokes behind the toilet block. Valeria is the confident, magnetic one who respects people over nonsensical rules, and always makes whoever she's talking to feel like they're just as interesting as her.

The main problem is that it's hard to tell if you're actually special to Valeria. Though a romance with her is appealing, you'd be constantly anxious you aren't enough to keep her interested, especially once the initial excitement dies down. Valeria feels like she doesn't want to be tied down by anything, and is after more out of life than any one person could satisfy. Again, polyamory is a thing, but in this case it feels like you might just be a side character among the rotating cast of Valeria's dazzling life.

2. Seven

Not as much of a jerk as he could have been.Credit: Kitfox Games

If I were writing this ranking at the start of Boyfriend Dungeon, Seven would land somewhere near the bottom. But Verona Beach's resident K-pop star grew on me so much that if the upward trend in affection continued at the same trajectory, he could eventually take first place.

When I first met Seven he was so disinterested, disdainful, and self-important that I wondered why he even bothered to text me. I'm not interested in chasing after someone who isn't into me, so our dates felt like a waste of both our time. But as he gradually opened up it became clear that there's a sweet, shy, down-to-earth person hiding beneath his depression, cynicism, and negativity. I was helplessly charmed by Seven's tentative, childlike joy at the teddy bear and cupcake I made him, as well as his fond nostalgia for his simple childhood memories. And don't even get me started on the peeled apples.

Seven probably shouldn't be dating just yet — he'd benefit more from a few solid friends to start. But I can see that as his mental health keeps improving, and he grows happier within himself, he'll eventually become a great boyfriend. He's in a bad place right now, but that bad place isn't who he is.

1. Isaac

The true ending.Credit: Kitfox Games

I didn't think I'd like Isaac when first I saw his official profile. Someone who most enjoys haute cuisine, philosophy, and meditation seemed too straight-laced and put together — not a date you could relax and share pizza with while binge-watching MasterChef Australia.

Yet Isaac surprised me with his cool yet playful attitude, and completely won me over with his avid use of the party popper emoji. Not only did his eager adoption of my suggested emoji show obvious consideration for my opinion, it also demonstrated a more casual, fun side of him, as well as an almost innocent enthusiasm to learn and try new things. We could definitely share a pizza.

Isaac is mature, hardworking, and emotionally available, plus he respects his parents and cares about his community. As though that weren't enough, he also owns a penthouse and will cook you eggs in the morning, because he actually knows how to do that. Frankly, if you don't date him then you probably just aren't ready for a real commitment. One party popper from Isaac is worth a thousand hearts from anyone else.

Boyfriend Dungeonis out now on Xbox One, Xbox Series X/S, Nintendo Switch, and PC.

TopicsGaming

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