Dear parents,
As you all know, fidget spinners are the extremely popular new toy built to ease anxiety in children and increase their focus. You also know that approximately one month ago we made the decision, along with several schools across the United States, to ban fidget spinners from the classroom and school grounds for being "too distracting."
We now deeply regret that decision.
SEE ALSO:We made a 'Fargo' board game so you too can live a life of midwestern crimeThe day following the ban of fidget spinners, the children all brought in something called fidget cubes. And, like the spinners, the children quickly developed a robust trading economy with the cubes, which were (again, like the spinners) primarily used as weapons to throw at one another as hard as they could.
We are sure that you are all well aware that after three days, we sent a letter home banning fidget cubes.
We are so deeply, deeply sorry for doing this.
It is now clear that the fidget cubes ban only made way for "fidget scissors" -- a scissor toy with various gadgets and wheels on it that the children loved to throw high, high up into the air during recess. Sensing danger, we sent a letter home that day, banning fidget scissors from school grounds.
Oh my, how we wish we could take back that letter.
Oh my, how we wish we could take back that letter.
You see, we assumed that a ban on fidget scissors would mark the end of this trend. Honestly, for a short time, it seemed like we were correct. That is, until a week later when Aiden Burke introduced the class to his "fidget ball" invention during show and tell.
At first, we were proud of Aiden's entrepreneurial spirit and the support shown by his classmates. We allowed Aiden to sell his toys for $1 during lunch, noting their soft exterior and general harmlessness.
When we found out that Aiden had made over $15,000 in two days, we began to realize the gravity of our mistake. It seems that after his first $200, Aiden paid a school security guard to take his invention to other schools and daycares in the area. Similar bans on fidget toys at those locations created what we now call a "fidget vortex" of demand for Aiden's toy, and he became extremely wealthy overnight.
As many of you know (thank you for your calls and emails), the children now refer to Aiden as "Don Aiden" and he is something of a crime boss amongst the third and fourth graders. All attempts to "ban" Aiden's now 40 varying fidget products have failed, as he seems to have the school security and many of the teachers on his payroll.
Don Aiden.Credit: mashable composite; shutterstockAiden now runs this school with an iron fist. Whatever he wants, he gets. For the last two weeks, we have had over 75 hours of recess. I am writing this memo in secret, hiding under my desk, using a candle as my only light and sending it to you with the last stamps I have.
This letter is a request -- a desperate, begging request -- to have your children PLEASE bring their fidget spinners back to school. It is the only way to stop Aiden, and the only way to regain control of East Lehigh Elementary.
We beg you: help us...
Sincerely,
Superintendent Knoblauch
(责任编辑：焦點)
How Hyperloop One went off the rails
Airbnb launches Trips in yet another Asian city
Edward Snowden weighs in on WikiLeaks CIA dump
India extends paid maternity leave to 26 weeks, citizens hail the moveMom discovers security cameras hacked, kids' bedroom livestreamedDressage horse dancing to 'Smooth' by Santana wins gold for chillest horse
Okay forget everyone else -- this horse named Lorenzo is our favorite Olympic athlete now. 。Lorenzo,
...[详细]Richard Hammond confirms motorbike crash rumours in blog post
Richard Hammond has shared an online post confirming the recent rumours that he'd been involved in a
...[详细]Indulge your fear of heights with China's latest glass bridge
China clearly can't get enough of vertigo-inducing glass bridges.So it's built yet another, this one
...[详细]Women found Trump's body language towards Angela Merkel so painfully familiar
No matter how hard we want it to, 2016's election never seems to fully go away.For many women who ch
...[详细]Balloon fanatic Tim Kaine is also, of course, very good at harmonica
You know the old saying: the people want a president they can drink a beer with and they also want a
...[详细]India extends paid maternity leave to 26 weeks, citizens hail the move
In what is being touted as a "historic" move, India has more than doubled its paid maternity leave t
...[详细]Botnets are zombie armies and other helpful analogies from Alphabet's new Chrome extension
Google's parent company is trying to make complex tech jargon easier to understand. Alphabet's Jigsa
...[详细]Fitbit announces updated Alta HR, adding heart rate tracking
Next up from Fitbit: Tech that will help you hit your fitness goals without ruining your style.The a
...[详细]You will love/hate Cards Against Humanity's new fortune cookies
If you've ever ordered Cards Against Humanity from the delightfully corrupt board game's website, yo
...[详细]Americans don't use bidets. This startup founder wants to change that.
When Miki Agrawal founded Thinx — the company that sells underwear that can replace tampons an
...[详细]Dressage horse dancing to 'Smooth' by Santana wins gold for chillest horse
Donald Trump lookalike caught on camera keying a car in London
