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President Trump has a big, beautiful plan to drain the Boy Scout swamp and replace it with something every child will love: yachts.

Trump delivered a speech to the Boy Scouts last night that addressed key themes in Scout history: his electoral victory, the size of his Inauguration crowd and orgies with famous men.

As only an outsider like Trump understands, President Obama somehow magically weakened the Scouts -- and it's time they learned how to be real men like our heel spurred President.

SEE ALSO:This Trump/Scaramucci supercut proves why they call him 'The Mooch'

Below is a list of recreational activities President Trump has recommended the Scouts take up if they have any interest in becoming real men/not turning into Nancy Pelosi.

1. Replace canoeing with yachting

Via Giphy

Real Boy Scouts don't take doll boats -- they yacht. Trump bragged to the Scouts about his millionaire real estate developer friend who "went out and bought a big yacht." Obviously, that activity is very cost efficient and accessible for at least 7 Boy Scouts across the nation, all of whom are named Barron.

2. Group Sex

It's never to young to get started. Trump couldn't help but reveal to a bunch of children that his friend "had a very interesting life" on that boat but that he wouldn't "go any more than that, because you're Boy Scouts." Where's a better place to start practicing group sex than at your local jamboree?

3. Throw traitors into the beautiful Boy Scout campfire

Via Giphy

Is there anything more American than building a campfire -- and anything more Trumpian than purging your enemies? Trump repeatedly stressed the importance of loyalty to the Scouts -- "we could use some more loyalty," Trump said -- but they probably thought he was talking about BFFs not the Attorney General.

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4. Learn how to fish for Hillary Clinton's emails

Trump couldn't help but focus on what Scouts care about the most: his November victory. In fact, he spent over 300 words on it and his win, despite the fact that Hillary's emails remain uncovered.

"Do you remember that famous night on television, Nov. 8?" Trump asked.

Imagine how much more dramatic his victory would have been if the Scouts had actually done real work, aka hacked her computer and released her emails? He'd still like to see it, so get out those poles, Scouts!

5. Orient your way out of the forest using only a compass and Trump's electoral map

Via Giphy

Trump dove deep into his electoral college victory, generously donating 408 words of his speech to it. The president now recommends Boy Scouts use his map to get out of a forest, making sure to follow the Rust Belt states Clinton and her dumb campaign staff lost.

6. Perform community service projects like cleaning up the swamp

Trump used child-friendly phrases like "cesspool" throughout his speech to describe politics in Washington: "I said we ought to change it from the word 'swamp' to the word 'cesspool' or perhaps to the word 'sewer,'" Trump said.

It's time the Boy Scouts stopped cleaning up streets at home and came to Washington to "clean up" Senate Democrats!

7. Clearing trails through Trump's massive crowds (the biggest in history)

President Trump repeatedly emphasized the supposedly underreported size of his crowds.

"I wonder if the television cameras will follow you? They don't doing that when they see these massive crowds," Trump said, almost coherently.

Scouts should put their trail-clearing skills to work at Trump's rallies, which tend to be packed with millions of Americans.

8. For love of God help Jared

Via Giphy

Jared, a 36-year-old man currently going through puberty, would love to be a Boy Scout but he's "too old" and his skills tend to be concentrated in other, more refined areas: playing harpsichord, balancing gold coins on his nose and trying not to fall down less he bleed out. The Boy Scouts should go out of their way to protect to befriend this precious child and make him a man.

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TopicsDonald Trump

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